Blessings Along the Way
I have been a single mother for almost 15 years, raising my two younger children without the help of their father. So when I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer in May 2013, this was a devastating blow to my then 18 year old son and 14 year old daughter. I have worked in the automobile industry for most of the years since my divorce and was very fortunate to have been given the opportunity to purchase additional insurance to help protect me and my family. Once I received my initial diagnosis, I got a copy of my pathology report and decided to google every word I did not understand, so basically all of them, and learned that there are several different types of breast cancer, and I had a very rare and aggressive form.
I remember looking at myself in the mirror and told myself that I needed to put on my “big girl panties” because I was about to receive some very bad news. What my oncologist explained is that triple negative is called that because they know it is not caused by any of my three female hormones, but they don’t know what causes it. When my oncologist started explaining that I would have a port inserted into my chest for the 20 weeks of chemo I had waiting for me, surgery of my choice and of course radiation, my mind conjured up what was about to happen to my body. I knew my hair would fall out, I would feel weak and most likely sick, she explained about the mouth sores, my nails turning black, etc. But no one ever mentioned the aftermath of this very traumatic, life changing disease.
Because I had a very healthy body, and I caught my tumor early, I made it through the chemo better than I expected, had a double mastectomy and bowed out of radiation. I woke up from my surgery, 6 months after being diagnosed, to learn my tumor had come back after I had finished my chemo treatments, but they removed it, found no signs of cancer in my lymph nodes, had inserted my implants and was cancer free.
This is when my dark hole started consuming me. My brain had been traumatized, my life had changed on a dime, and I felt like I was suffering from PTSD. The dark hole my brain would go to was very frightening, my memory was gone, I would find myself roaming aimlessly in my car, or as I would take a walk around my neighborhood, because I couldn’t remember where I was, why I was there or where I was suppose to be going. There was no way I could go back into my previous position at the car dealership, so I tried to recreate myself. This was difficult to do with the new challenges this disease and the treatments caused.
This is my message to people who find themselves suffering like I did. The trauma is real, what you are experiencing is real, and you are not alone in this struggle. Reach out to your doctors, you may be “cancer free” but this disease has changed everything. I am one of the lucky ones, I was able to battle through it with the help of my amazing support system. Almost four years later I am happy to say I am back at my previous employer, doing basically what I did before, feeling amazing and enjoying my life. Someone told me that there would be blessing along the way…..they were right, but it is up to you to find them.
